Hi, I'm sad

I do not know why I am writing this post. I guess I just have a lot I want to say. About me.

Before I continue, I feel the need to point out that I do not think everything I am about to say is correct. A lot of it is just stream of consciousness stuff that I want to post so I can forget about it. Like writing down the lyrics of a song to get it stuck out of your head. Also, I sincerely want to apologize for how many times ‘I’ is surely going to sprout up in the post. Look at the URL of this page: this is my blog. I will use as little variation in my word choice as possible, thank you very much. Why did I just apologize for typing ‘I’ a lot & making this all about me, but then defiantly say that I will do whatever I please? There are plenty more mixed signals in store, probably.

I think it is worth pointing out that I am not happy all the time (maybe even most of the time.) It is so easy to wallow, & I fully support taking the easy route when it comes to how I approach things. That is not to say that I am lazy. I can do a few things pretty well & a lot of things mostly alright. (I just became very self-conscious about using the word ‘alright,’ as I am not really sure if it is correct. I think technically it is not, but in my head ‘all right’ & ‘alright’ have two distinct meanings. ‘All right’ means completely correct. ‘Alright’ means satisfactory. I do not know if this is true, but now you know where I stand on the matter. This is the most political I ever plan on being here.) Even so, I know that I could try harder. I could self-motivate better. I could strive to go faster. I could attempt to become stronger. N-n-now tha-that don’t kill me. (That was the worst joke I have ever attempted.)

I suppose this post is the result of being embarrassed with/by myself. I do not like how I act in social situations. I can feel myself talking too much. I can feel myself over-compensating when people are clearly losing interest in what I am saying by talking even more. I become annoyed with myself & the sound of my voice, but I keep talking. Admittedly, this is not such a huge problem for me now, but that is only because I have decided to do more things alone. You know when people make jokes about people going to movie theaters alone? They are talking about me. I went to my first concert this month. Alone. It was great.

I quit my job this month, too. If I have accomplished what I have tried to do for the last two years even a little bit, then you hopefully do not even know what that job was. Let me preface this by saying that customer service workers are angels, & they deserve nothing but to be treated with respect—especially those who are working for minimum wage. That being said, I am embarrassed to admit that I was working at KFC for the (almost) last two years. Some of you know this because you have ordered KFC. Or maybe because someone told you. Or maybe you saw my uniform in the background of one of my Instagram stories. The point is, I worked in fast food (something I said I would never do) out of desperation. Honestly, it was also out of laziness. (This is a reflection of me & not of all people who work in fast food jobs, thanks.) Maybe I am more lazy than I think.

I said it is easy to wallow. It is so easy to personally uproot your own life by choice & then feel bad for yourself. It is so easy to be both the villain & the victim in your own story. Time to open up some old wounds: it was not easy to call off my LDS mission & then become inactive in the church. Anyone who tells you differently is not to be trusted. To leave something that has been in your life your entire life is a big hurdle to jump (look at me making sports metaphors & also pretending that I am able to jump over an actual hurdle.) It severed many relationships I had & put a strain on many others. I still feel the effects of it to this day, but I still believe it was the right choice for me, as difficult as I know that is for some people to read. BUT that is not what I wanted to write about. That was all difficult, but afterwards, things became too easy: It was too easy to stay at home & feel bad for myself for losing friends. It was too easy to lay in bed & do nothing. It was too easy to postpone my college applications. It was too easy to only half-heartedly look for apartments. It was too easy to play the victim when businesses were looking for qualified candidates to fill their positions. “I won’t work in fast food. I deserve more than minimum wage,” I said, college degree not in hand. It was too easy to be jealous of my friends who were well on their way to graduation because they had already been accepted into their dream schools before high school ended. It was too easy to be the class Salutatorian who peaked in high school. & now here I am, 23 years old, unemployed, living with my parents, & feeling victimized by my own actions (on top of all that, I finally pulled out the baby tooth that never came out because the adult tooth was impacted, & now I really do not want to leave my bed.)

I promise this is not a cry for help. This is a guilt trip planned by me, for me. I am trying to change my bad habits. I am trying to stop making it so easy to wallow. I surrounded myself in a fog, & now I am trying to build a lighthouse (okay, even I admit that seemed forced.)

This is me trying to help myself help myself. I cannot be embarrassed with/by myself anymore if I tell everyone online everything I am embarrassed about (I hope.) They say it is better to work out with a friend because you will hold each other accountable. I could personally never share a room with a sweaty person & still call them a friend, so I am trying a different approach. I am holding myself accountable by telling you that I am holding myself accountable. A lot of my self-imposed issues cause me to try to be alone as much as possible, but that does not mean that I do not like being alone. Many of my friends (who hopefully have not forgotten about me) probably know that about me already (all ready?). I guess I am just *~q*U*i*R*k*Y~* like that.

I still have a lot to figure out and do. Posting this today does not mean all my problems will be solved tomorrow. This is just the first step in trying not to be own villain. I really am my own harshest critic, so now I am going to try & address some of those criticisms. I think I figured out why I was writing this post as I was writing it. I am impressed I tried to mask my feelings with humor only a few times.

Some thoughts: I think it is still okay to be sad. The trick is to use it as motivation. It is okay to be alone. You are allowed to make mistakes. Step back & re-evaluate.

Stream Bank on the Funeral by Matt Maeson & Love + Fear by MARINA wherever you listen to your music. Okay, now I know why I really started writing this.

This article was updated on May 20, 2019