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Forgive me as I once again go on about myself for too long.

I’m tired—exhausted, maybe. It’s an internal problem I’ve had with myself for some time: am I allowed to feel this way? Do I deserve to? Have I earned the right to feel unsatisfied? Nothing changes for me in the way I hope it might. I’m still watching old movies in a desperate grasp for “culture.” I’m still looping the same Spotify playlists. I’m seeking attention so briskly that it annoys me & those from whom I seek it. I slog through a series of blackouts in an attempt to cease filling timelines with pathetic pleas for engagement. These blackouts only last hours.

I fight an algorithm in order to gain interaction. I’m tired. I don’t want to scroll. I’m ready to use a phone as a phone, but this phone is not a phone. The Treachery of Modern Conveniences.

I'm getting smothered by my irony

Too many layers & it's haunting me

Why do I always have to be funny?

- Tamara & the Dreams, "FUNNY!"

I ache to be straightforward, but that doesn’t work anymore. I need a best friend. I’m twenty-four, & I need a best friend. This is the only trait I have in common with Paul Rudd (& he was only acting.) I grew up not knowing myself. Now I feel like I might have an idea. In some ways, it’s worse than not knowing. How do you disappear & begin again? I’m good at alienating. How do I practice the opposite? I assume this post is not part of the regimen. I’ll post this & wonder if it makes sense. I’ll overthink every part of it. I’ll treat it like a photo of myself: I’ll stare at it until it’s abhorrent to me.

There are friendships I wish I had worked on. There are relationships I wish I had cultivated into something else. There are the opposites of those too. Does any of it mean anything? Fairies aren’t real. Wishes don’t come true. So what, then? Must I take matters into my own hands? make an attempt? act? I already know the correct answer, & I already know what my answer will be: I’m tired.

I’ll watch movies. I’ll listen to playlists. I’ll scroll. I’ll remain. This truth is not a truth.

 

This article was updated on July 20, 2020

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