A Year of Photos (2019)
2019 is coming to an end, so I’m feeling all retrospective. That means I’m going to fill this post with photos that I have taken over the year. Think of it as a Spotify Wrapped, but instead of looking back at your terrible taste in music, you get to look back at my terrible photos of me.
January
I'm sorry to start this off with such a horrifying image, but I'm making an effort to seem more human & fallible on this blog. Every day I receive messages from my millions of fans that I am “perfect” & “a gift to the entire universe,” & while that is all completely true, it doesn’t mean that’s all I want people to think about me—it’s 93%. The remaining 7% is this photo of the first time I tried going out in public with my Long Boy Hair™. People on all the hair-centric subreddits warn you of the “awkward hair phase,” but I never believed in it until I experienced it for myself. I drove to Dairy Queen* looking like this. Sure, I’m serving flawless skin & the sharpest jawline in the game, but was the Oreo Blizzard worth the social ramifications? Most would say no, but I am better than most.
*(This photo is sponsored by Dairy Queen. For every view this blog post gets, I receive points toward a free Dilly® Bar. 1 view is worth 1 point. One delicious, mouth-watering, satisfying Dilly® Bar costs just 26,000 points. Dairy Queen is at the intersection of Health & Value! Dairy Queen: yum-yum!)
Here is a photo of me on my lunch break one day from back when I worked drive-thru at KFC. Are there tears in my eyes? It sure looks like it! I’m not saying interacting with people in a fast food setting made me lose all faith in humanity. I’m just saying the minimum wage should be a living wage. I imagine working a fast food window for as long as I did is the human equivalent to what horses go through when their owners “break” them. Sure, I wasn’t pulled behind a pickup truck, but I did get food thrown at me, & I was called “FAGGOT!” on two separate occasions. All the stories you hear about people crying in the walk-in freezer are true.
Anyway, I like this photo. It has real “the camera just went off😂” vibes. Kill me if I ever use the word "vibes" again.
Observant readers will notice that this is a video & not a photo. I apologize for lying in the title of this post that this would be only my favorite photos from the year, but if 2019 has taught me anything, it’s that people on the internet willingly read articles with clickbait titles. They actually seem to prefer it.
This is from my 23rd birthday. I think it’s the result of a live photo from my mom’s iPhone. That’s my dad. My cake is ice cream. My present is Rice Krispies Treats. Next question.
February
I pulled out a baby tooth I still had on February 10th, & I had a proper meltdown about it on my Instagram story. To make a long story short, I have an impacted adult tooth, so my baby tooth was never forced out. This is me at work a few days later. It’s ugly, & I never want to talk about it again. I’m starting to wonder why I used “favorite” in the title of this post.
My hair is getting longer, my lips are fully balmed, & I look like I'm crying again. I honestly couldn't tell you why.
March
This is me before going to the dentist for the first time since I got my wisdom teeth removed in 2014. Please don't judge my dental decisions. I wasn't comfortable wearing my Long Boy Hair™ down in public yet, so this is what I did whenever I was leaving the house. I'm very fortunate to have had a job that had a hat as part of the uniform. As I said, this is before going to the dentist, so I can't really explain why the half of my face that's behind my hand (which is covering a pimple) looks numb.
This is the only photo I have for the month of March. The rest of my camera roll from this month consists of promotional images for “Superstar” by MARINA from the hit album LOVE + FEAR.
April
This was me determining if I could pull-off a hairstyle from Game of Thrones (a show I've never seen.) The final consensus was a resounding no.
LOVE + FEAR came out. Here it is in my bed. Album of the year? Album of the year.
May
Just another Long Boy Hair™ update. My eyes aren't watery in this one, yet I somehow still look sad.
I changed my oil for the first time in my life in May. Everything was going smooth until I came to learn that my oil filter was on way too tight. I begrudgingly swallowed my pride & asked my father for help. It made me feel better about myself when he couldn’t unscrew it either. We ended up having to drill a hole straight through it & use the screwdriver to unscrew it. This made a mess. There’s a video of this as well, but it’s too long, & I don’t feel like editing a video for a blog post. I’m already too lazy to edit videos for my YouTube channel. Anyway, I’m never changing my own oil again.
I drove down to Portland & went to the first live concert of my life. I went to see Matt Maeson perform. If you’re wondering what you should add to your bucket list, I suggest you add “Go see Matt Maeson perform.” Betcha opened for him. I instantly became a Betcha fan. This was the greatest night of my life up to that point. It would have been the perfect thing to write a blog post about. I never did. I’ve reviewed some of Matt Maeson’s music on here, though. Portland is weird. So many scooters. Disappointingly, none of them had birds on them.
Side note: I went to this concert alone. Can we please normalize this? My own mother thought it was weird. She also thinks it’s weird when I go to the movies alone. Being alone is great! Being alone is fun! I’m not in denial!
I had a cookie cutter made-up of my parents' faces. I don't mean to be presumptuous, but son of the decade?
I go to one concert, & suddenly I think I can start wearing beanies.
June
I apologize for everything in this photo 100x, & I know that's still not enough
This is the month I finally started to get my curls down on lock. Now, if only I could learn to groom my eyebrows before taking photos.
Everything I just said about my hair being under control? Forget it. That puppet is mocking me.
This was a big deal for me. If you know, you know. If you have to ask, you will never be able to understand.
M̷̩̣̠͒̾͆͜͝õ̴̧̢̲̊ǒ̶̯̖̊d̷͖͓̘̒́.̵̨̧̜͒̅̆͗
July
There was nothing of note this month except for another sad selfie, but this one has the bonus of also being out of focus! If you've realized by this point that I only wear three shirts, I am kindly asking you to keep your mouth shut & mind your business.
August
This was me trying to look like Shia LaBeouf. Don't talk to me about this if you see me in person.
September
Eyebrows, Connor. Eyebrows.
I was bored & made some Spotify playlists. Please follow them. They're not good.
October
I SAW MARINA LIVE. I SAW MARINA LIVE. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS THIS MONTH. ALLIE X OPENED, & THAT WAS PRETTY COOL, BUT I SAW MARINA LIVE. MATT MAESON & BETCHA, I LOVE YOU, BUT I SAW MARINA LIVE.
Post-concert depression toilet selfie. (I saw MARINA live.)
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I perfected my curls almost immediately after seeing MARINA live. (I saw MARINA live.)
How I spent my Halloween. That puppet is still mocking me. (I saw MARINA live.)
November
I got summoned for jury duty in November. It was quite a wild ride, & I documented the whole experience on my Instagram story. I made it a highlight, so you can still go watch it on my profile. It's truly some of my finest work as an artiste. (I saw MARINA live.)
Early beginnings of my first No Shave November. (I saw MARINA live.)
masc4masc only (I saw MARINA live.)
Finally felt confident smiling (with teeth!) for the first time since February, & all it took was a fake nose ring. (I saw MARINA live.)
Some points were made, tea, slay, etc. Stream MAGDALENE by FKA twigs now! (I saw MARINA live.)
Felt cute, might delete later xo!~~ (I saw MARINA live.)
Thanksgivting lewk. (I saw MARINA live.)
December
I'm making this post at the beginning of December, so I don't really have anything to show. I shaved. Look at my pimple and/or ingrown hair. (I saw MARINA live.)
That's all. (I saw MARINA live.)
This article was updated on December 6, 2019