Thanks for Asking

There are too many nights that start off with me planning to fall asleep around 10:00pm while listening to Say Anything's discography on shuffle that eventually end with me singing the repeated line "come pollinate me" at 1:00am alone in my bed. I should probably make sure I completely understand what that song’s lyrics mean before admitting to the internet that singing along to it has become somewhat of a nightly ritual for me.

Before the beginning of 2017, I dropped all of my college courses that were supposed to start on January 3rd, because I wasn’t able to find an apartment in time. I don’t have a job, because I don’t live in the location. My dad signed up as my guarantor (or is he the lease’s?), but they didn’t like that he was self-employed. I can’t go to school, because I can’t get an apartment, because I can’t get a job, because I can’t go to school. I’m thinking about that news article I read that said millennials aren’t buying enough fabric softener.

Sometimes I think I’m sadder than I’m entitled to be, but most of the time I rationalize my feelings as acceptable, because I turn 21 this month, and I still have very visible acne. The easiest way to tell whether or not someone is a liar is to ask them if drinking water can help with acne. Do not trust anyone who tells you it can. That person has been brainwashed by Pinterest and is a lost cause. It is fine and dandy to ‘pin’ as many DIY home remedies for acne that you want if the tutorial pictures are saturated and full of well executed bokeh, but please remember that these tutorials are giving acne-sufferers false hope. The lemon juice and baking soda you are forcing these people to scrub on their faces are messing up their pH balances and probably their yearbook photos as well.

I love comedians, but I hate their fans. It can be fun every now and then for you to recite one of Bo Burnham’s songs by memory, but please forgive me if I tell you that you’re trying too hard when I see you adding “are you happy?” to the end of your tweets. Thanks for asking, and of course I’m not.

I’m dangerously optimistic about the upcoming Series of Unfortunate Events series on Netflix. I’m understandably upset about the two instances of ‘series’ in that sentence.

​I think it’s interesting that the “you wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a handbag” anti-piracy clip that used to play at the start of every DVD vanished around the same time that Blockbuster went out of business. It’s as if the film industry said “screw it” and then decided to destroy whatever moral fiber we might have had left. If I remember correctly, the clip actually showed how to steal a DVD from Blockbuster. I once heard that the music contained in the clip was used without the copyright owner’s permission. It’s no surprise that the clip never said anything about that being illegal.

This article was updated on April 12, 2018