THAT'S RIGHT! I'M NOT JEWISH!
& I'm going to be completely honest here: that terrifies me. The almost Christmas thing, I mean. I'm not terrified of not being Jewish.
I have barely thought about Christmas at all this month. I haven't even watched Barbie & the Nutcracker! (Being an avid fan of Barbie & the Nutcracker--a true classic--is something that I'm not particularly proud of, but it is something that I'm willing to embrace.) I'm pretty sure any & all masculinity I may have had left inside my still way too pre-pubescent body completely vanished after Adele came back. Thanks Adele.
Speaking of ~MUSIC~ I'm currently listening to A Very She & Him Christmas, which I would easily classify as a holiday staple. Listening to She & Him at this very moment is the first real holiday-themed activity I've done all month. It's the 11th of December! Christmas Eve is in 13 days & I'm just now listening to Christmas music? I think this means I'm getting old or something.
19 years old. Probably almost time to start thinking about retirement at this rate. It's tax season, right? If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I like my women like I like my W-2's: full of lies that benefit me financially. I'm single, ladies & gentlemen. & unemployed.
This actually brings up the real reason that I'm terrified of it almost being Christmas. But first, I would also like to point out that I'm mildly off-put by my already very frequent use of italics in just my first blog post. This is just a sign (read: omen?) of what's to come with this blog. Don't say I never warned you.
Back on topic: I'm terrified that it's almost Christmas because that means it's almost a new year. Now, in my past, I never made a big deal of the new year because it didn't seem that special to me. A little bird once told me that time is a construct of the human mind (see: DHMIS II), so I didn't find it necessary to psych myself up about a "New Year, New Me!" Each new year is only special because we have said it is. & frankly, I don't care. Well, at least I used (gasp! Italics!) to not care. But there is something very different about the end of this year: I :) have :) no :) clue :) what :) I'm :) doing :)))))
Quick rundown of what's going on with me at this point in my life: no job, no money saved up, no vehicle of my own, living with my parents, recently sorta maybe might have come out as bisexual maybe kinda (come at me, Shane Dawson!), made the decision to tell everyone I wasn't serving an LDS mission, LIVING WITH MY PARENTS, 19 years old with T-zone acne, pale, I've still never seen Marina & the Diamonds live, Mitch Grassi from Pentatonix won't message me back on Twitter even though we both follow each other, living with my PARENTS, haven't spoken with any friend(s) face-to-face for an indistinguishable amount of time, currently crying over Zooey's vocals on this record, I'm trying to start a podcast as I've wanted to for a very long time now but I'm realizing that it's a lot of work, and also MY PARENTS...I LIVE WITH THEM. I was the Salutatorian for Santa's sake. I'm fine, though. I just got the new expansion for The Sims 4. So I'm fine :)))
Before I continue, I would just like to point out that I thought it would be a good idea to use a photo of me in my white (by color, not race) bathroom as the backdrop for my blog containing white (both race & color now included) characters! White on white. Great idea, Connor. Your desperate need to come off as "minimalist" & "artsy" has literally left you standing next to a toilet beneath some illegible text on the internet. Good luck in 2016, third-person variant of first-person me.
Okay, I think Zooey Deschanel's singing voice has cast some sort of spell on me or something that is making me lose my mind. & I'm getting really hot in the face. Thanks, Zooey.
But I think that's enough blaming my problems on female artists. Sorry, Adele. Sorry, Zooey. Sorry, Jessica Simpson. I know I didn't actually blame you for anything, but I'm sorry for not thinking to blame you. "I Wanna Love You Forever" is a great song & it should have come to my mind when thinking up names of female artists that are flawless except for their flaws & shortcomings. It won't happen again. Hey....hey, remember that one time your sister got caught lip-syncing? Great times. Glad we spent them together. Here's to more memories as 2016 reaches nearer & nearer to us.
I love you, Jessica Simpson.
& I also love you, Beth Cooper.
This article was updated on April 12, 2018